It’s been awhile since I’ve written…well that isn’t completely true. I have written this post a million times (slight exaggeration). I’ve deleted it just as much. I’ve stared at the white space of an empty document, shining from the light of my computer in the middle of the night. And here I am again.
This year has been a whirlwind. So many things have changed. A lot of fun. A lot of new experiences. And a few mistakes along the way. Some bigger than others. I’ve written and rewritten this post because I felt like I needed to give some sort of explanation of the way I’ve been living my life. And after deleting this document one last time, I realized that I didn’t. That I couldn’t even if I had to. There is no solid explanation when you’re so unhappy that the only decision available is to not be anymore.
Lately, I have constantly been on the run. Whether I’m jumping into the lake or out of a plane, my world has been continuously moving. I’ve made new friends. I’ve dedicated more time to old ones. I’ve seen someone take their first breath. I’ve stood by after others have taken their last. I’ve had the absolute pleasure of being surrounded by more beautiful souls than I ever could have imagined. I’ve done a hundred things I never thought I would and it’s only August.
And when I say “I’d like to put my head in an alligator’s mouth” or “Do you think I can climb that?” and the people around me shake their heads and ask if I have a death wish, the truth is that I don’t. I have no desire to die. All I want to do is live.
I want to taste and feel and breathe in everything life has to offer. I want to love others too much. I want to be kind and reliable and make life for the people that I love just as enjoyable as I want it for myself. I want to be selfish and selfless. I want to find myself while being completely lost. I want to look into the darkness that surrounds the world sometimes and only think of how beautiful the stars are. I want to be a better human. I want to always grow and improve and be unfinished.
I’m going to live life like it is my greatest adventure, because it is. I’m going to climb mountains. Jump from high places. Pet large, powerful animals. Meet new people. Try new food. Buy a plane ticket somewhere and just go. Do something every day that scares the hell out of me. Go to bed reminding myself of one good thing that happened that day, even on the bad ones. Erase the expectations I had for where I should be by now and just focus on where I’m going. You get so many breaths and so many days and a limited number of heartbeats, it is a disservice to waste them.
I have no idea where I’m going. I have no idea what I want. But right now…personally, professionally, spiritually…I am so good. I just want to take in every sensation I possibly can. I hope I never know for sure what my next move will be. I hope I’m always just floating on the wind and enjoying the ride.
As far as explanations are concerned, this is literally all I have. Life is too good to waste it.