There is a naivety that is naturally built into all of us, something that slowly gets brushed away as time goes on. This sense of superiority that we cling to, before we have had any experiences to frame any sort of arrogance from. If there is one thing that I have learned from my short number of years on this planet, it is this — we are all imperfect.
Every year, I find myself drawn to this keyboard. Desperate to explain where I am and frantic to figure out where I am going. It always follows some flaw in my life…like that time I vowed to marry someone in a union I knew wouldn’t work out — trust me, I haven’t forgotten, I’ve only tried to. I wear that mistake like a scarlet letter across my chest. Or now, where I’ve spent two years finding myself, losing myself and hoping to gain some value as I change direction yet again.
Every year, I think I have cracked some kind of code. Like I’ve finally got it. The answer to what I should be. What I should have accomplished by now. A clear path to where I am headed. Every year, I’m wrong.
In 2018, I focused so much on myself. I enjoyed a lot of great highs because of it. I saw things that I’d always dreamed of seeing. I tasted food, climbed mountains and got injured a few times for the sake of adventure. I LOVED it. And I will continue to seek that kind of life…however…making these decisions solely for myself, well the satisfaction has been fleeting. As a person who doesn’t have my own family yet (aside from the killer humans that gave me life or sibling with me or the rad ones that let me “aunt” their children occasionally, you da best) I am searching for fulfillment. And I think that kind of lasting satisfaction, that kind of fulfillment is impossible when you are only focused on numero uno. That fullness is only available when you start living for others as well.
So this year, I’m going to keep it simple. I’m not going to pretend I know anything. My only goals include taking the large amount of love in my red, pumping vital organ and throwing it into the universe as often as I can. Taking more time to see the world through the eyes of others and using that insight to respond with more patience and understanding. To add goodness, whenever possible, to the lives of the people around me. And to take whatever judgement I think I am entitled to and shoving that into the deep, dark hole that it belongs in.
I’m going to make more poor choices this year, folks. It’s just part of the game. But I think, we’re all just trying. And if at the end of the day, we give the world a net gain…if we add more value than we take…if we make that our goal and focus our attention on it, how can we lose?
So if you’re doing well — good. Continue that. Build on that. And if you’re not. If you’re struggling everyday, searching the Earth and the skies for meaning…that’s okay too. Just don’t stay there. Every life matters. The ripple effect of our existence is incalculable. So start allowing yours to matter too, whatever that may mean to you.
Here’s to another year of faking it, in the hopes of making it.